I Couldn't Have Said it Better

I cry a lot. Sad TV, an emotional thought, conversation, a touching moment, anger, frustration, etc. So I wasn't surprised to find myself crying tonight at Grey's Anatomy. It was a beautiful scene,

"I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."

" Yeah, that doesn't ever really change"

That is exactly the way I've felt for 10 years. There is this gaping hole that no one can fill. I remember thinking that my life would never be as good as before, when my father died at 47. I was 23. I still feel that way a bit. I hate that I do. I want to have my first best life back. Does that sound like a lack of faith? Maybe it is a little. I originally intended to post about the new study I started on Wednesday, and I will later, but the episode of GA tonight poleaxed me. I love my husband and kids, and I am thankful that I have the life that I do, because it is only by the grace of God that I have a life at all. I just miss the life I would/could of had if I had a father still. The life my kids could have had. I should be thankful for the little things: my husband and my in laws knew my father and in a small way share in my grief. My sisters' husbands came to our family after Daddy's death. I have a big extended family who grieve with us, and my church family still remembers my dad and shares their caring with us. I had twenty three years with my dad, he walked me down the aisle. He saw me graduate HS and go off to college, and I was in my last semester so he could know I would graduate. My own father lost his father when Daddy was only six. I had a long time with my dad comparatively. Still. I should be thankful, I should not whine about what I lost, but think about what I've been given. I still am not sure how to live in a world without my dad in it. I guess I just keep trying.